Hallmark Celebrates Forever Families. And By Hallmark, I Mean Me.

Here's a fun story for you: it's Father's Day morning and I've done nothing to celebrate Eric's dad-ness. I have not forced Ayana to make any crafts, I have not purchased any cards, I have not put a tool or a tie in a bag and pretended his daughter chose it specially for him. I haven't even cooked breakfast because, well, I also haven't shopped in weeks and unless breakfast is a stale hot dog bun and some radishes, we're probably going to have to go out.

Is this the kind of wife I am? Does this lack of dedication to the holiday say something about how I feel about Eric as a dad or about Hallmark holidays?

Nope.

It really just says that this week was finals week. And we closed on our house on Friday. And I have a full-time job. And I've torn out a lot of carpet. And I have a broken toe. That last one may not be relevant, but I was on a roll with my whining, and this was as good a place as any to cry a little about my poor toe.

Point is, I haven't celebrated Eric's dad-ness because it was last on the long list of things that needed to be done. 

LAME. It should be first on the list. We should celebrate it every day, because we are a damn lucky pair of girls in this house. Not because we landed the perfect dad or parenting partner (he's the same model we all fuss about from time to time, ladies), but simply because he's here. He's here when most men wouldn't be.

You've surely gathered from previous posts that Eric is not the man with whom I adopted Ayana. The good news is, that's in the process of changing. There comes a time in every man's life when he realizes he doesn't want to keep paying child support for a child he will never see again, and there comes a time in every mother's life when she can let that support go.

There used to be a time when I thought I could never let it go. I think the thing I really wanted most from my ex husband was to make him pay, because it was the only consequence he'd ever see for all the damage he did. I'd be lying if I said I don't still feel that way sometimes. 

But I have something new I want the most. I want Eric to take his rightful place as her legal father. I want him to know that nothing is worth more to us than being a family in all the ways. And I've wanted this for a long time.

You may be sitting there doubting my judgement. You may be wondering if I'm really the best person to be picking her father, because let's be honest, I didn't exactly nail it on round one. But you don't know what I know. Probably because it's not something I would consider one of my better choices, so I've kept it to myself. But today, in honor of my daughter's father, I'm going to tell you now so you can judge me and love him.

After our very first date, Eric got it in his head he wanted to meet Ayana. Like most single moms, that wasn't really something I wanted to have happen. But there seemed to be the potential for a kiss, if we extended the date, and I was really into that. So for the promise of that kiss (or rather just the hope of it), I told him something no woman should ever tell a man she wants to see again:

"If you meet her this time, this is going to go one of two ways: you're either going to meet her many more times, or you're never going to see her again. Basically, I'm going to need you to commit to being part of her life forever or not at all."

That's beyond ballsy, folks. This kids was two years old. No one stakes a future relationship on the very unattractive package of tantrums and food in her afro and potty training. No one with a very reliable brain, anyway. 

But I meant it. There was no in between for me. He didn't have to choose before he met her, but he'd have to choose before he'd ever see the two of us again. Yikes. I was used to rejection, and I was pushing for it up front, rather than dragging it out. Which I can only imagine was almost as attractive as tantrums and food in the hair.

I don't have to tell you how it went. But I would like to show you. I'd like you to see what a first time dad looks like in month one. A first time dad of a two-year-old who had truly been through hell. A first time dad learning what parenting looks like from a very broken mama. A first time dad through the lens of an old camera because this broke-ass mama couldn't afford a phone with a camera.

This is their first date, to the zoo. 

Still at the zoo...Eric insisted we take her on the train because she loved (still does) trains. I argued pretty hard because there was a long line and TWO. She was TWO. Do you see that snotty nose?! But he told me I was dumb and he was right. He said that a lot back then, when I was limiting us because I was afraid. And he was always right.

Here's that pretty package I was talking about. This was a daily occurrence, and one that I sometimes circumvented by letting her eat naked in the bathtub. True story.

And here (check the shirt) is Eric holding that pretty package after the oatmeal bath. Just snuggling up on that gluteny baby. I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm jealous of that!

And this is Ayana enjoying her well chosen Christmas gifts from Eric—a duck hat and a stuffed turtle—without pants. She was regularly without pants.

And here is a man who had a hard time falling in love until he met the right girl. This girl.

If you'd have given him the option, Eric would have never chosen to date a single mom. If you'd have asked him if he'd want to adopt kids or have his own, he'd have gone mainstream all the way. But sometimes you don't get to pick who you love. Sometimes she picks you.

And we celebrate Eric today because his heart was totally open to that. No matter how made up his mind may have been, he let her choose him and he chose her right back. I laid down a crazy ultimatum that first day, and Eric rose to the challenge. On date one, I got my first kiss and I got my forever family. If Hallmark has a card for that, please let me know.

Because this is the picture they're going to want to put on the front.

Not a cute one like this. No one has time for that.