Sorry, guys. Not that F word. Trust me. If I thought you would read an entire post extolling the virtues of the actual F word, I would totally write one. It's such a great word! But I don't have to tell you that. If you're reading this, we're kindred souls and you don't need my help dropping the bomb when and wherever it suits.
No...this post is about an F word with infinitely more insidious implications: Failure.
Gross, right? Who wants to talk about that? Um, no one.
So here we go!
A small list of big things I've failed at:
1. Parenting
2. Marriage
3. Religion
4. Life
Thanks in advance for the way you said in your head, "You're a great mom!" or "You didn't fail at that marriage, he did!" Much appreciated, friends. But this isn't one of those pity-party posts. I'm not especially touchy about any of these failures--they're more like scars than wounds. I'm only even thinking of them today because in a fit of wondering what in the hell I'm doing with my life, I reached for my deck and pulled this card.
Gee, universe, thanks a heap.
You already know I failed at religion (see list above); but I'm still a big fan of guidance. Pretending I have all (or any) of the answers is not something I can do. That's actually why I fail at religion. But while I'm generally averse to all the trappings of believing in a higher power, I rather like the idea of being nudged.
When I was growing up in the Bible belt, they didn't call it a nudge. They called it a conviction. Or being led by the Holy Spirit. I'm sure the religion you're most familiar with has its own way of saying it. I landed on nudge because its cute and feels lighter than being bossed about by a ghost.
As heretical as it obviously is to equate my tarot habit with flipping open the pages of the Bible to see which verse you land on, I'm going to go with it. See, I think our minds have a way of spinning their wheels, and a Bible verse, a tarot card, hell, even a bumper sticker can be the stick in the spokes that forces us to stop spinning and focus. You may be worried about the medium, and I respect that. But I'm not, so we'll have to agree to disagree. (Except not before I remind you that God can use anything to fulfill his purpose! Boom. Argument won. Moving on.)
So there I am, in a near fit of despair about feeling stuck in my job. My job. It's a great job, OK? I work full time from home. It shouldn't even matter what I do, because a full time position that never requires me to leave my house is wildly ideal for this sickly hermit. I have great coworkers, a boss who is always looking out for my general well being, I make enough to cover my family's expenses, and I WORK FROM HOME. If ever there was a job to be stuck in, right?
Even knowing all this, and reminding myself on the daily, I'm still feeling stuck. And stucker than usual, evidently. Because I find myself complaining to a friend, which I tell myself is tacky but I go ahead and gripe anyway. And as I'm whining, I reach for my deck and think: this will give me the inspiration I need to carry on. This will be the stick in the spokes that stops my spinning brain wheels.
And...Failure.
For those of you not familiar with the tarot, reading a card is a little more esoteric than: the answer to my question is the word on this card. What am I doing with my life? Failure. Good thing that's not how it works, because that would be exactly the cul-de-sac I'm currently riding around and around. I'm failing at life. I'm failing at life. I'm failing at life. No need for any affirmation, because I've got that mantra firmly in hand.
This card isn't about what you're failing at (see list above). It's actually about why you're stuck. Ah, the reason I picked up the deck in the first place. Remember? I'm feeling stuck and I need to get unstuck. So why am I stuck, according to my smartypants little tarot deck? Not because I'm am a failure, but because I'm currently succumbing to a fear of failure.
Duh. This ain't rocket science, folks. It's just a nudge.
And it's the nudge I need right now. Because you see, the obvious interpretation for a writer is that I'm not quitting my job and writing full time because I'm afraid I'll never succeed. It's simple, it's straightforward, and it's the very reason that I often feel stuck in my good job.
But you don't need a deck or a Bible or a bumper sticker for simple and straightforward. You can figure that shit out on your own. It's when you peel back the top layer and look beneath that you get some real clarity.
So here's my clarity. I am afraid. I'm afraid that letting go of security will be a disaster for my family. And you know what? I'm not wrong. That's a healthy fear because its entirely true. We actually need all of the things that my job provides. Unless we want to live in a van down by the river. Which sounds cooler than it actually is. So yeah, for the time being, I am stuck because I'm afraid to fail my family.
But I'm not hanging my hat here. This place where I'm stuck at right now? This is a moment in time. This is one moment in time. And when the time comes that it's my moment? I'll be ready. I'll be good and ready to look fear of failure right in the face and say: fuck you. I've got this.
No...this post is about an F word with infinitely more insidious implications: Failure.
Gross, right? Who wants to talk about that? Um, no one.
So here we go!
A small list of big things I've failed at:
1. Parenting
2. Marriage
3. Religion
4. Life
Thanks in advance for the way you said in your head, "You're a great mom!" or "You didn't fail at that marriage, he did!" Much appreciated, friends. But this isn't one of those pity-party posts. I'm not especially touchy about any of these failures--they're more like scars than wounds. I'm only even thinking of them today because in a fit of wondering what in the hell I'm doing with my life, I reached for my deck and pulled this card.
Gee, universe, thanks a heap.
You already know I failed at religion (see list above); but I'm still a big fan of guidance. Pretending I have all (or any) of the answers is not something I can do. That's actually why I fail at religion. But while I'm generally averse to all the trappings of believing in a higher power, I rather like the idea of being nudged.
When I was growing up in the Bible belt, they didn't call it a nudge. They called it a conviction. Or being led by the Holy Spirit. I'm sure the religion you're most familiar with has its own way of saying it. I landed on nudge because its cute and feels lighter than being bossed about by a ghost.
As heretical as it obviously is to equate my tarot habit with flipping open the pages of the Bible to see which verse you land on, I'm going to go with it. See, I think our minds have a way of spinning their wheels, and a Bible verse, a tarot card, hell, even a bumper sticker can be the stick in the spokes that forces us to stop spinning and focus. You may be worried about the medium, and I respect that. But I'm not, so we'll have to agree to disagree. (Except not before I remind you that God can use anything to fulfill his purpose! Boom. Argument won. Moving on.)
So there I am, in a near fit of despair about feeling stuck in my job. My job. It's a great job, OK? I work full time from home. It shouldn't even matter what I do, because a full time position that never requires me to leave my house is wildly ideal for this sickly hermit. I have great coworkers, a boss who is always looking out for my general well being, I make enough to cover my family's expenses, and I WORK FROM HOME. If ever there was a job to be stuck in, right?
Even knowing all this, and reminding myself on the daily, I'm still feeling stuck. And stucker than usual, evidently. Because I find myself complaining to a friend, which I tell myself is tacky but I go ahead and gripe anyway. And as I'm whining, I reach for my deck and think: this will give me the inspiration I need to carry on. This will be the stick in the spokes that stops my spinning brain wheels.
And...Failure.
For those of you not familiar with the tarot, reading a card is a little more esoteric than: the answer to my question is the word on this card. What am I doing with my life? Failure. Good thing that's not how it works, because that would be exactly the cul-de-sac I'm currently riding around and around. I'm failing at life. I'm failing at life. I'm failing at life. No need for any affirmation, because I've got that mantra firmly in hand.
This card isn't about what you're failing at (see list above). It's actually about why you're stuck. Ah, the reason I picked up the deck in the first place. Remember? I'm feeling stuck and I need to get unstuck. So why am I stuck, according to my smartypants little tarot deck? Not because I'm am a failure, but because I'm currently succumbing to a fear of failure.
Duh. This ain't rocket science, folks. It's just a nudge.
And it's the nudge I need right now. Because you see, the obvious interpretation for a writer is that I'm not quitting my job and writing full time because I'm afraid I'll never succeed. It's simple, it's straightforward, and it's the very reason that I often feel stuck in my good job.
But you don't need a deck or a Bible or a bumper sticker for simple and straightforward. You can figure that shit out on your own. It's when you peel back the top layer and look beneath that you get some real clarity.
So here's my clarity. I am afraid. I'm afraid that letting go of security will be a disaster for my family. And you know what? I'm not wrong. That's a healthy fear because its entirely true. We actually need all of the things that my job provides. Unless we want to live in a van down by the river. Which sounds cooler than it actually is. So yeah, for the time being, I am stuck because I'm afraid to fail my family.
But I'm not hanging my hat here. This place where I'm stuck at right now? This is a moment in time. This is one moment in time. And when the time comes that it's my moment? I'll be ready. I'll be good and ready to look fear of failure right in the face and say: fuck you. I've got this.
Look what has become of your failures. They have brought you to where you are today and made you the kick ass woman you are. Maybe the problem is that failures have gotten a bad wrap. Maybe you pulled the card because you're looking at your failures as bad things. You're stuck in that thinking. Maybe failures are a good thing.....? Just maybe. Oh, fuck fuck fuck. I just wanted to throw in a few more of that F word because, you know, it is the best one.
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