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This Just In: Childless Pterodactyl (spelled that right on the first try) Channels Chekhov

So...who else spent the afternoon listening to This American Life and taking buzzfeed quizzes? Don't be jerks. I've seen your posts on Facebook.

You should really live in Vermont!

You are Posh Spice (me too)!

You are Lucille from Arrested Development (how am I not Lucille?)!

And you? Your spirit animal is the turtle.

Me? I apparently failed the "How Many Kids Should You Have" quiz, because the answer was zero. I mean I agree that I shouldn't birth them, but can I keep the one I've got? She's stupid cute, buzzfeed, and I love her pretty hard.

Maybe I shouldn't have kids because if I was a dinosaur, I'd be a pterodactyl. Evidently, that's because I'm small and scary as hell. Not entirely untrue, I suppose. Too small to grow a whole human inside me, and too scary to nurture it once it pushed its way out.

There's no question my classic writer soulmate is Anton Chekhov. If that doesn't make sense to you, you probably don't know me or Anton. We're legitimately of a mind.

With all this wisdom buzzfeed is dishing out, it's hard to imagine I've been having something of a crisis of identity. Or rather, the identity I've always relied on is kind of failing me.

You see, me and Anton, we're writers. So we write, right?

Wrong.

Neither of us is doing much writing these days and one of us has a really solid excuse.

And as surprising as this may be, the excuse is not: but there are so many quizzes on buzzfeed! And so little time! And I have to go to the gym and cook dinner and hit happy hour and go to the coffee shop and paint my toenails and read this book and find another job and and and and!

You know and I know there's really no excuse (except being dead). It's a lull. And I'm trying to break out of it by writing this blog post. Which I will end with a fabulous quiz of my own. Yes. I'm qualified to do this. I am a bonafide assessment writer. True, my arena is more collegiate than buzzfeediate, but qualified is qualified. Don't question it.

WHAT SHOULD YOU REALLY BE DOING WITH YOUR TIME?

You have five free minutes. How do you spend your time?
a) Call your mom
b) Breath deeply
c) Pee
d) Rummage for snacks

You wake up in the middle of the night. What do you do until sunrise?
a) Go back to sleep, idiot
b) Take a hot bath
c) Watch reruns of SVU
d) Rummage for snacks

Friday snow day! What do you do with an unexpected three-day weekend?
a) Renew your gym membership
b) Read War and Peace
c) Hop a flight to Vegas
d) Rummage for snacks

Your useless friends just canceled plans. Again. How do you console yourself?
a) Call your mom
b) Go out anyway
c) Pam their car door handles
d) Rummage for snacks

Drat. The love of your life has left you at the altar. What happens next?
a) You book an emergency therapy session
b) You watch Steel Magnolias
c) You take that honeymoon!
d) You rummage for snacks

************************************************************************************

If you answered mostly A, you should take more buzzfeed quizzes.
If you answered mostly B, you should take more buzzfeed quizzes.
If you answered mostly C, you should take more buzzfeed quizzes. 
If you answered mostly D, please don't come to my house. I don't have snacks.

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