Skip to main content

This Just In: Childless Pterodactyl (spelled that right on the first try) Channels Chekhov

So...who else spent the afternoon listening to This American Life and taking buzzfeed quizzes? Don't be jerks. I've seen your posts on Facebook.

You should really live in Vermont!

You are Posh Spice (me too)!

You are Lucille from Arrested Development (how am I not Lucille?)!

And you? Your spirit animal is the turtle.

Me? I apparently failed the "How Many Kids Should You Have" quiz, because the answer was zero. I mean I agree that I shouldn't birth them, but can I keep the one I've got? She's stupid cute, buzzfeed, and I love her pretty hard.

Maybe I shouldn't have kids because if I was a dinosaur, I'd be a pterodactyl. Evidently, that's because I'm small and scary as hell. Not entirely untrue, I suppose. Too small to grow a whole human inside me, and too scary to nurture it once it pushed its way out.

There's no question my classic writer soulmate is Anton Chekhov. If that doesn't make sense to you, you probably don't know me or Anton. We're legitimately of a mind.

With all this wisdom buzzfeed is dishing out, it's hard to imagine I've been having something of a crisis of identity. Or rather, the identity I've always relied on is kind of failing me.

You see, me and Anton, we're writers. So we write, right?

Wrong.

Neither of us is doing much writing these days and one of us has a really solid excuse.

And as surprising as this may be, the excuse is not: but there are so many quizzes on buzzfeed! And so little time! And I have to go to the gym and cook dinner and hit happy hour and go to the coffee shop and paint my toenails and read this book and find another job and and and and!

You know and I know there's really no excuse (except being dead). It's a lull. And I'm trying to break out of it by writing this blog post. Which I will end with a fabulous quiz of my own. Yes. I'm qualified to do this. I am a bonafide assessment writer. True, my arena is more collegiate than buzzfeediate, but qualified is qualified. Don't question it.

WHAT SHOULD YOU REALLY BE DOING WITH YOUR TIME?

You have five free minutes. How do you spend your time?
a) Call your mom
b) Breath deeply
c) Pee
d) Rummage for snacks

You wake up in the middle of the night. What do you do until sunrise?
a) Go back to sleep, idiot
b) Take a hot bath
c) Watch reruns of SVU
d) Rummage for snacks

Friday snow day! What do you do with an unexpected three-day weekend?
a) Renew your gym membership
b) Read War and Peace
c) Hop a flight to Vegas
d) Rummage for snacks

Your useless friends just canceled plans. Again. How do you console yourself?
a) Call your mom
b) Go out anyway
c) Pam their car door handles
d) Rummage for snacks

Drat. The love of your life has left you at the altar. What happens next?
a) You book an emergency therapy session
b) You watch Steel Magnolias
c) You take that honeymoon!
d) You rummage for snacks

************************************************************************************

If you answered mostly A, you should take more buzzfeed quizzes.
If you answered mostly B, you should take more buzzfeed quizzes.
If you answered mostly C, you should take more buzzfeed quizzes. 
If you answered mostly D, please don't come to my house. I don't have snacks.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

We're Off to the Icecapades! And Other Roads Paved With Cold Tears.

You know how your Great Aunt Margaret always looks at your baby's long fingers and says she's going to be a piano player? And how that guy bagging your groceries always tells you your slightly-taller-than-average boy is going to be a basketball player? Or how, when you accidentally leave the scissors on the counter and your toddler gets ahold of them, she's going to be a Monster Truck driver for three months because of that sweet mullet she gives herself? Well...I've got a long-legged African baby. And let me tell you, folks, she's destined to be a runner. At least that's what I've been told by no less than three thousand people in the last two years. If qualifying for the Olympics happened based on popular vote of the people, Ayana would have run last year. It would have been a staggering disappointment for Americans everywhere, but she'd have been there. (Shut up, fact checkers. I know the summer Olympics didn't happen last year.) But here...
8 comments
Read more

31 Things I Learned Before 32

Tomorrow, I turn 32. So with no more ado or fanfare than that, I share with you 31 things I've learned in 31 years of life. In no particular order and with no promised gravity. The Golden Rule doesn't ensure you'll get treated the way you wish to be treated. It just means you can sleep at night, knowing you did right. Sandal tans garner an inexplicable degree of respect and admiration. The book is always better than the movie. So all you book snobs out there can just hush up about it. We know. (Yes, I'm a total book snob. But I'm so snobby I don't even try the movie. You're welcome.) If you don't water the plants, the plants die. When you're going through some shit and people tell you, "I could never do what you doing," the appropriate response is: "Yes you could. You just haven't had to." Dog people have hair all over everything and cat peoples' houses smell funny (which is a nice way of saying bad ). Children a...
5 comments
Read more

When Your Daughter Isn't Turning Into You, But You're Turning Into Your Mother

And by you , of course   I mean me . So here's the story as it has been told to me over the years. For reasons that were undoubtedly religiously motivated, my mom decided she was going to home school my brother and me. She started with Jesse at whatever early age because he was reading in the womb and dividing cheerios in his highchair and blah, blah, blah. It was so much fun and he was so smart and remember the time he related the word sequel to the  Back to the Future series?! What a genius! What pure joy to watch this child learn! And then I came along. There are no stories about my great mental prowess, my clever anecdotes. There is only one story. The story that ends quite abruptly at, "And then I enrolled you both in school." Thinking on it now, I'm not sure we can even call it a story. It's really just a crude reenactment of a poor young child struggling to read the word bug . "B-U-G. B-U-G. You kept saying the sounds, but you just couldn't put...
6 comments
Read more