Skip to main content

This Just In: Childless Pterodactyl (spelled that right on the first try) Channels Chekhov

So...who else spent the afternoon listening to This American Life and taking buzzfeed quizzes? Don't be jerks. I've seen your posts on Facebook.

You should really live in Vermont!

You are Posh Spice (me too)!

You are Lucille from Arrested Development (how am I not Lucille?)!

And you? Your spirit animal is the turtle.

Me? I apparently failed the "How Many Kids Should You Have" quiz, because the answer was zero. I mean I agree that I shouldn't birth them, but can I keep the one I've got? She's stupid cute, buzzfeed, and I love her pretty hard.

Maybe I shouldn't have kids because if I was a dinosaur, I'd be a pterodactyl. Evidently, that's because I'm small and scary as hell. Not entirely untrue, I suppose. Too small to grow a whole human inside me, and too scary to nurture it once it pushed its way out.

There's no question my classic writer soulmate is Anton Chekhov. If that doesn't make sense to you, you probably don't know me or Anton. We're legitimately of a mind.

With all this wisdom buzzfeed is dishing out, it's hard to imagine I've been having something of a crisis of identity. Or rather, the identity I've always relied on is kind of failing me.

You see, me and Anton, we're writers. So we write, right?

Wrong.

Neither of us is doing much writing these days and one of us has a really solid excuse.

And as surprising as this may be, the excuse is not: but there are so many quizzes on buzzfeed! And so little time! And I have to go to the gym and cook dinner and hit happy hour and go to the coffee shop and paint my toenails and read this book and find another job and and and and!

You know and I know there's really no excuse (except being dead). It's a lull. And I'm trying to break out of it by writing this blog post. Which I will end with a fabulous quiz of my own. Yes. I'm qualified to do this. I am a bonafide assessment writer. True, my arena is more collegiate than buzzfeediate, but qualified is qualified. Don't question it.

WHAT SHOULD YOU REALLY BE DOING WITH YOUR TIME?

You have five free minutes. How do you spend your time?
a) Call your mom
b) Breath deeply
c) Pee
d) Rummage for snacks

You wake up in the middle of the night. What do you do until sunrise?
a) Go back to sleep, idiot
b) Take a hot bath
c) Watch reruns of SVU
d) Rummage for snacks

Friday snow day! What do you do with an unexpected three-day weekend?
a) Renew your gym membership
b) Read War and Peace
c) Hop a flight to Vegas
d) Rummage for snacks

Your useless friends just canceled plans. Again. How do you console yourself?
a) Call your mom
b) Go out anyway
c) Pam their car door handles
d) Rummage for snacks

Drat. The love of your life has left you at the altar. What happens next?
a) You book an emergency therapy session
b) You watch Steel Magnolias
c) You take that honeymoon!
d) You rummage for snacks

************************************************************************************

If you answered mostly A, you should take more buzzfeed quizzes.
If you answered mostly B, you should take more buzzfeed quizzes.
If you answered mostly C, you should take more buzzfeed quizzes. 
If you answered mostly D, please don't come to my house. I don't have snacks.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

We're Off to the Icecapades! And Other Roads Paved With Cold Tears.

You know how your Great Aunt Margaret always looks at your baby's long fingers and says she's going to be a piano player? And how that guy bagging your groceries always tells you your slightly-taller-than-average boy is going to be a basketball player? Or how, when you accidentally leave the scissors on the counter and your toddler gets ahold of them, she's going to be a Monster Truck driver for three months because of that sweet mullet she gives herself? Well...I've got a long-legged African baby. And let me tell you, folks, she's destined to be a runner. At least that's what I've been told by no less than three thousand people in the last two years. If qualifying for the Olympics happened based on popular vote of the people, Ayana would have run last year. It would have been a staggering disappointment for Americans everywhere, but she'd have been there. (Shut up, fact checkers. I know the summer Olympics didn't happen last year.) But here...

In the Background

Judging by my Instagram feed, K-12 kids are starting back to school in CO. After approximately 18 years at home in 2020, some are headed back into the germy trenches and others are unsuccessfully logging into 26 different apps and carefully choosing which Zoom background will go with their new sweatpants. And the question for parents across the nation is: How are you feeling? That's a lob, right? Pretty damn terrible ought to cover it. No choice was a good choice and many (most?) didn't get to choose anyway. OK, sure. There's maybe two people reading this who think COVID is a hoax. Hey, guys. I see you. I'm glad you keep reading my blog even though we're really different people. I'm also glad you'll be able to enjoy your kid-free time for the first time in 6 months. Truly. Mazel tov. For the rest of us, it's a fraught day. And when I try to think of how to answer that question— How are you feeling?— all I can think is that this feels just like getting s...

The Triumphant Return of the Beer Coozy

Well I might as well admit I've been dying to start a blog. OR. I have been feeling guilted into starting a blog ever since I went to AWP back in February. Potato, Potato. Huh. That only works if you say it out loud. Moving on. I've been waiting and waiting for inspiration to strike, or for a theme to pop out at me, or for my life to settle down. Here's the thing about that: never going to happen for me. Inspiration is going up in smoke along with my state, themes make my head itch, and the adorable 18-month-old scaling my kitchen table and squeezing all the bananas in my fruit bowl says, "Settled life? Dream on." Well, no she doesn't. Because she doesn't talk. We're all just going to pretend I'm not responsible for her silence, OK? Last night, my parents dropped by because they know it gets a little lonely in my hot apartment. As fun as single mamahood is, I admit to them on a twice-daily basis that I crave adult conversation. So they pop ...